Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
