He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You are a genius and a whore.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
