Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The uberlube is also flammable
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Enjoy the penises
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
