Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
