More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
