Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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