I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
