I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
