Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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