I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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