I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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