Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
