I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
