The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
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I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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