You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
