also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
