Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
