There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
