i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
