those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
