i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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