he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
