she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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