Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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