I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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