Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
