Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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