wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
