If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The air was thick with penises
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
