I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
