the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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