dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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