Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
