If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
These tits shall not be calmed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize