I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
