I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
