You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
