Define "chronic" masturbator.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
