ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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