There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Still dying that you shit outside
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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