i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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