we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I intend to get homeless drunk
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
