BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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