Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
