This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
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Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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