I'm so fucking centered right now
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
