he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
