I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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