i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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