birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
