I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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