the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
