the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
