I think my fart just growled at me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.