Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
