I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
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