Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
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did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
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his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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