I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
