I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
