I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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