My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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