After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
it's great music for shaving your balls
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
