Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
